Staying Awake
In October 2020, my dear friend and spiritual mentor, Anne Sweet posted the following on Facebook:
“The Self or Being or ‘I Am’ are still objects in our awareness, and therefore not who we are. What we are is PRIOR to all of that: not an object, but the ineffable subject. We are not the Ground of Being, but what’s left when the ground falls away altogether—the empty awareness of ‘just this.’”
I replied:
“The arising of Self or ‘I Am’ in my experience doesn’t have to be a problem—one can’t live in fear of the arising of any impulse—as long as I don’t make it special or make the ‘I Am’ prior to the arising of everything else in my experience. So when ‘I Am’ is in relationship with the world, it gives ‘I Am’ ownership of the experience. But when ‘I Am’ arises with the world as one single event in each and every moment, then experience is not divided into Me and Not-Me.
That doesn’t take away the challenge of recognising—and being alert to—the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that ‘I Am’ does appropriate and hijack experience as its own domain to operate.
And then not even letting that be a problem… consider this a work in progress.”
This dialogue resurfaced recently through one of Facebook’s memory prompts. It invited me to revisit and reflect on the ongoing dance between the absolute and the relative—between the unknowable divine (which can only be lived, not grasped) and the challenge of staying grounded and responsive within the human field.
These two voices meet in the subtler layers of awakening.
One points uncompromisingly to that which can’t be named, owned, or used as a refuge—the absolute subjectivity behind all arising. The other speaks from within the lived paradox of practice: noticing how the impulse to claim, possess, or identify continues to show up—and learning to meet even that with awareness and compassion.
Together, they illuminate something essential to this path:
Awakening is not a possession.
Even “I Am” can become a mask.
Even clarity can be subtly claimed.
And yet—gently noticing this, moment by moment, may be the deepest fidelity to the truth.
The image accompanying this piece is a Siddhapratima Yantra—a Jain symbol, offered as a gift by Anne Sweet (via Lee Lozowick). It points to the silent, ungraspable essence beyond all form—an apt companion to this reflection on radical subjectivity.
“The Self or Being or ‘I Am’ are still objects in our awareness, and therefore not who we are. What we are is PRIOR to all of that: not an object, but the ineffable subject. We are not the Ground of Being, but what’s left when the ground falls away altogether—the empty awareness of ‘just this.’”
I replied:
“The arising of Self or ‘I Am’ in my experience doesn’t have to be a problem—one can’t live in fear of the arising of any impulse—as long as I don’t make it special or make the ‘I Am’ prior to the arising of everything else in my experience. So when ‘I Am’ is in relationship with the world, it gives ‘I Am’ ownership of the experience. But when ‘I Am’ arises with the world as one single event in each and every moment, then experience is not divided into Me and Not-Me.
That doesn’t take away the challenge of recognising—and being alert to—the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that ‘I Am’ does appropriate and hijack experience as its own domain to operate.
And then not even letting that be a problem… consider this a work in progress.”
This dialogue resurfaced recently through one of Facebook’s memory prompts. It invited me to revisit and reflect on the ongoing dance between the absolute and the relative—between the unknowable divine (which can only be lived, not grasped) and the challenge of staying grounded and responsive within the human field.
These two voices meet in the subtler layers of awakening.
One points uncompromisingly to that which can’t be named, owned, or used as a refuge—the absolute subjectivity behind all arising. The other speaks from within the lived paradox of practice: noticing how the impulse to claim, possess, or identify continues to show up—and learning to meet even that with awareness and compassion.
Together, they illuminate something essential to this path:
Awakening is not a possession.
Even “I Am” can become a mask.
Even clarity can be subtly claimed.
And yet—gently noticing this, moment by moment, may be the deepest fidelity to the truth.
The image accompanying this piece is a Siddhapratima Yantra—a Jain symbol, offered as a gift by Anne Sweet (via Lee Lozowick). It points to the silent, ungraspable essence beyond all form—an apt companion to this reflection on radical subjectivity.
